Review of fox news archives::How Do i archive a video clip from 10/24/2009
Review of fox news archives::How Do i archive a video clip from 10/24/2009
Some people collect ceramic frogs or Stevie Wonder albums. Me, I collect Sarah Palin jokes. Feel free to smile or even laugh (unless you're at work, in which case scrunch your eyes as if you're reviewing a disturbing spreadsheet). To stay au courant on your Sarah Palin jokes, bookmark this page and return for updates. (Updated April 25, 2011): Who'd have guessed Sarah Palin would go from running for veep to driving a jeep (on her recent Animal Planet surreality TV show, "Sarah Palin's Alaska?"). Throughout 2010, Sarah Palin did what she does best, make us laugh - sometimes even intentionally. "Sarah Palin has a 61percent unfavorable rate in Alaska. That number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals." -- Conan O'Brien "We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal." - Bill Maher "Sarah Palin . . . is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do." - David Letterman "A new poll shows President Obama ahead of Sarah Palin 54 percent to 39 percent in a potential match up. You know what that means? John McCain could get Barack Obama elected twice." - Jay Leno "On Glenn Beck's radio show yesterday, Sarah Palin accidentally said, 'We have to stand with our North Korean allies.' Then Palin was like, 'Wait. North Korea's the one in the south, right?'" - Jimmy Fallon "The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language." - Conan O'Brien "On Fox News, Sarah Palin said, 'I want to clean up the state - that is so sorry today - of journalism, and I have a communications degree.' After that sentence, they might take it back." - Jay Leno "A new study says that radiation from Wi-Fi is hurting trees. Environmentalists are calling it the worst assault on trees since George W. Bush and Sarah Palin became authors." - Jimmy Fallon "Last night was possibly the last show ever of 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' for several reasons. She might run for President and would have to abide by the equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things." - Jimmy Kimmel "Palin's book just came out. It has just over 300 pages and just under 900 made-up words." - Jimmy Fallon "Three finalists on 'Dancing with the Stars,' two of whom can dance and Bristol Palin who cannot, but her mother has an army of Eskimo robots calling in votes day and night. The Palins dream of a future in which no one will ever be disqualified from a job simply because they are unable to perform that job." - Jimmy Kimmel "On Fox News, they address her as Governor Palin. Which is like calling me 'Dairy Queen employee.' I was once, but I quit." - Tina Fey on Letterman "Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." - Jay Leno "Unfortunately, Palin was unable to respond to the criticism because she was wearing gloves." - Jimmy Kimmel "It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year." --Craig Ferguson "Sarah Palin's book is number one on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King actually has the number two book. Very scary new book called 'Sarah Palin Becomes President.'" - Jimmy Kimmel "In Sarah Palin's new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, 'Thank you, God,' which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin." - Conan O'Brien "Sarah Palin's new autobiography doesn't come out until November, but it is already number one on Amazon. And if you go to the website, it says, 'People who bought this book also bought no other books in their entire life.'" - Jimmy Fallon "The book costs $24.99, but it has a $5,000 jacket." -Jimmy Fallon (Updated February 13, 2010): If Sarah Palin is not being paid off by late night comedians to provide grist for their joke mills, she's being robbed. Her latest flub involved writing notes on her hand for a speech she gave at a recent Tea Party convention, an incident that quickly became known as Palmgate (or Palm Gate). Comedians had their predictable field day with this behavior more commonly associated with elementary school students than speakers paid $100,000. Here were the best jibes: "Maybe Sarah Palin would be smarter if she had bigger hands." - Jimmy Kimmel Stephen Colbert confided in viewers he used hand notes, too. He showed the palm of his hand which had the word "thumb" on it, with an arrow pointing to his thumb. "As long as she's writing reminders on her hand, may I suggest one more. Buy condoms!" - Bill Maher "Sarah Palin's also getting criticized because last week she demanded that Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, step down because he used the word retarded. But then, Rush Limbaugh did the same thing on his radio show and that, she said, was okay. Unfortunately, she's been unable to respond to the criticism because she's wearing mittens." - Jimmy Kimmel Going Rogue With the release of Sarah Palin's new book, Going Rogue, here are some new jokes about Sarah Palin's book and promotion tour, as well as jokes from the summer of 2009 (remember Palin's resignation as governor of Alaska and David Letterman's controversial joke about Bristol (or was it Willow?). Also included are some jokes with legs from the McCain / Palin presidential campaign that were not featured in the original compendia of 'Best Sarah Palin Jokes.' As Thanksgiving approaches, be thankful you still have Sarah Palin to make you laugh - provided you're not a turkey! (Updated November 14, 2009) "Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it gets really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank." - Jimmy Fallon "Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word - and so will you." - David Letterman "This week Sarah Palin's memoir became a bestseller. It's not even out yet, and it's been translated into English." - Bill Maher "Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah." - David Letterman "Sarah Palin's new autobiography doesn't come out until November, but it is already No. 1 on Amazon. And if you go to the website, it says, 'People who bought this book also bought no other books in their entire life.'" - Jimmy Fallon "The book costs $24.99, but it has a $5,000 jacket." - Jimmy Fallon "People in Alaska are looking forward to Sarah Palin's memoir. They're already calling it 'The Book to Nowhere.'" - David Letterman "I was talking to a lady here in the audience, she was from Alaska and we were wondering about this. How does a thing like this work? She steps down and she's no longer the governor of Alaska. And we figured it out: Miss Congeniality steps up and is now the governor of Alaska." - David Letterman "President Obama right now is in Russia. Obama went there because from Russia you can actually see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska." - Conan O'Brien "A lot of public figures do this. When you have trouble, you blame the media. And today as a matter of fact she was up in a helicopter shooting Wolf Blitzer." - David Letterman "But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected." - David Letterman "Today is Groundhog Day, and I don't know why this stuff always goes haywire in Alaska. Here is what happened. A little bit of trouble. Groundhog comes out of its hole. Sarah Palin shoots it." - David Letterman "Did you know this? We have a brand-new Miss America, Katie Stam, from Indiana. They choose Miss America based on personality, how the young woman looks in a swimsuit, and how she looks in evening gowns. That is the competition. It's the same way that John McCain chooses a running mate." - David Letterman "This is weird, in her resignation speech, Sarah Palin said she polled her children on whether she should resign and the count was unanimous. Yeah, even her children thought she was in over her head." - Conan O'Brien "But I want to tell you, it's so cold. It's so cold that Sarah Palin shot herself a brand-new coat." - David Letterman "Sarah Palin also honored today. She was named 'person of the year' by LensCrafters. And in about an hour, they'll name somebody else." - David Letterman "Over the weekend Sarah Palin shocked the country by resigning as governor of Alaska. Yeah, Republicans aren't sure who is going to fill her role in the party, but they are in talks with several of the Real Housewives of New Jersey." - Conan O'Brien "We're talking about Sarah Palin, who has a brand new Christmas album. It's entitled 'I Can See Bethlehem From My House.'" - David Letterman "Golden Globe nominations out today, and Sarah Palin was nominated for one. Her category is Outstanding Comedy Performance in a Presidential Campaign." - David Letterman "A lot of people have forgotten about President Bush, but this transitional period is a busy time for President Bush as well. He's busy granting pardons. Today, he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric." - David Letterman "And they said, well, how about writing a book? She said, 'You betcha. As long as I don't have to read it.'" - David Letterman "But Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, 'Well, hasn't she helped him enough already?" - David Letterman "Anybody see Sarah Palin on the 'Today' show a couple of days ago, cooking? And people say, 'Well, can she cook?' Of course she can cook. After all, she cooked McCain's goose." - David Letterman "It's a little cold and windy outside, isn't it today? It's so cold today that Sarah Palin was putting ChapStick on a pit bull." - David Letterman "But Sarah Palin doesn't shop at low-end stores. As a matter of fact, she thinks Old Navy is John McCain's nickname." - David Letterman "They're saying that when Sarah Palin is speaking, she blinks her eyes. People believe that those are coded messages, and I'm a conspiracy nut. So I got a hold of a tape of a recent campaign appearance, and I slowed it down. And if you translate the blinks to Morse code, sure enough, right there it says, 'Vote for Grandpa.'" - David Letterman "Have you been watching Sarah Palin's interviews with Katie Couric? Last night, Palin told Katie Couric right here on the 'CBS Evening News' that she can't name a Supreme Court ruling that she disagrees with. The best she could come up with was the time Judge Judy ruled against the landlord. But Sarah Palin did say she objected to several Paula Abdul rulings on 'American Idol.'" - David Letterman "According to a new poll, 42% of Americans say they would vote for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they'd support her decision to step down in 2013." - Conan O'Brien "Oh, but Sarah Palin, you know, was at the U.N. yesterday, and she was a big hit. She's over there meeting all of the world leaders. She's still learning who the world leaders are. Right now, she thinks that Warren Buffett is the head of Margaritaville." - David Letterman "But Sarah Palin is having a great time in New York City. Today, as a matter of fact, she shot and mounted that thing on Donald Trump's head." - David Letterman "I know all about Iran. I ran for Mayor and then I ran for Governor!" - David Letterman "I can't comment on the Kyoto Accord as I've only ever seen the Honda." - David Letterman "I wouldn't want to go over to Kabul. I'm perfectly happy with my DirectTV." - David Letterman Two most controversial jokes about Sarah Palin in 2009 David Letterman's Controversial Sarah Palin joke "You know who was in town this weekend, went to a Yankee game? Sarah Palin ... One awkward moment, though, during the game. Maybe you heard about it, maybe you saw it on one of the highlight reels, one awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game. During the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." - David Letterman John Kerry's Controversial Sarah Palin joke During the time South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford was missing and presumed to be hiking on the Appalachian Trail, Kerry told the Massachusetts Democrat told a group of business and civic leaders: "Too bad if a governor had to go missing it couldn't have been the governor of Alaska. You know, Sarah Palin." - John Kerry (Updated March 16, 2009): After the election, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin decided to do her best to heal the wounds with her rivals in the bitter campaign. She invited the ticket that defeated John McCain and her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden, to a moose-hunting trip.She hired three prominent experts in their fields to assist. -Dick Cheney would lead them on the hunt. -Ted Kennedy would drive them back to their cabins each evening. -And Bill Clinton would entertain their wives and daughters. "Well, according to a new post-election survey, people want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012. It says she's been getting thousands of calls from people pleading with her to run, all Democrats." - Jay Leno (Updated October 9, 2008 to include jokes about the vice presidential debate, Katie Couric interview fiasco and Tina Fey impersonation on SNL) "She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God's will. And today, God said, 'Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area.'" - Jay Leno "In Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday, a woman who looked like Sarah Palin caused a near riot when she walked into a diner for breakfast. And after a minute or two, people finally realized it wasn't her when she started answering questions." - Jay Leno "Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden's cave from her house." - David Letterman "During the debate the other night, the moderator asked Sarah Palin to describe her Achilles heel, but instead of talking about her biggest weakness, she talked about her greatest strength, which apparently is not answering questions." - Jay Leno "Of course, the most controversial thing Sarah Palin said last night was she felt the vice president should have more power. More power? Dick Cheney is shooting people in the face and doesn't even get arrested. You cannot get any more powerful than that." - Jay Leno "During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!" - David Letterman "She kept reaching out to Joe Sixpack. That's because her answers make more sense after six beers." - David Letterman "Political experts are saying that to succeed in the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by saying she's really troubled by John McCain's choice for vice president." - Conan O'Brien "Sarah Palin right now is training for tomorrow night's vice presidential debate in Arizona. And she says it has really helped her on foreign policy, because from Arizona she can see Mexico." - David Letterman "Even though Governor Palin is not expected to do particularly well in tomorrow night's debate, she is favored heavily in Friday night's swimsuit competition." - Jimmy Kimmel "Sarah Palin, she's getting ready for tomorrow's debate. I understand she now knows all three branches of - Jay Leno "Have you been watching the Sarah Palin interview with Katie Couric on the 'CBS Evening News'? Pretty interesting. Sarah Palin could not remember the name of a newspaper or a magazine that she reads. And I was thinking, wow, we could possibly have a leader of the country who doesn't read. And then I thought, well, hell it's worked pretty good for George Bush." - David Letterman "But don't kid yourself. This is for all the marbles, this debate tomorrow night. And Sarah Palin is nothing if not diligent. She's working hard on preparing for the debate with Joe Biden. Earlier today in Arizona we just heard that she shot a donkey." - David Letterman "Political activists are now saying, if Sarah Palin does not do well tomorrow in the debate, she will voluntarily step down from the ticket by Friday. So far, there have been over 2 million emails and phone calls, urging her to stay. All from Tina Fey." - Jay Leno "I don't know if Palin is ready. You know you're in trouble, debating like this, you know you're in trouble when your debate goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle did." - David Letterman "The much-anticipated vice presidential debate takes place tomorrow night in St. Louis. Senator Joe Biden of Delaware faces off with Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. Teams of technicians have been working around the clock, trying to figure out how to run an Internet cable directly into the back of her skull to feed her the information." - Jimmy Kimmel "Republicans are blaming Nancy Pelosi for the bailout not going through. Democrats are blaming it on an incomplete proposal by the Republicans. John McCain is blaming Barack Obama. Barack Obama is blaming John McCain. And Sarah Palin is praying nobody asks her what's going on." - Jay Leno "Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric last week, and they're saying she was halting, repetitive and stumped on basic questions. Yeah, in other words, Palin appeared very presidential." - Conan O'Brien "Hugh Hefner is entering the fray. Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Yeah, and Palin said she'd agree to pose for Playboy as long as there's no interview." - Conan O'Brien "Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose naked for Playboy. Because right know, you know, she's busy posing as a vice-presidential candidate. Actually, think about that, if she did do it, she could be the first Playmate on a bear-skin rug she shot herself." - Jay Leno "A farmer in Ohio has carved a corn maze in his field in the likeness of Sarah Palin. The way it works? You enter and suddenly realize you're way over your head." - Amy Poehler "Meanwhile the big question that I don't know if anyone has asked yet -- while Sarah Palin's yammering it up with Joe Biden in St. Louis, who's keeping an eye on the Russians? What happens if Putin decides to rear his head?" - Jimmy Kimmel Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings." - Jay Leno "All the Republicans are heaping praise on Governor Palin. Fred Thompson said, as an actor, he could see them making a movie about Sarah Palin and her family. Didn't they already make that movie? I think it was called 'Knocked Up.'" - Jay Leno "They asked her if she would be able to explain how she once lobbied Washington for earmarks, and she said, 'W'll cross that bridge to nowhere when we come to it'" - Jay Leno "Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." - Jay Leno "Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney." -Jay Leno "Today President Bush called Gov. Palin and congratulated her. Bush told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice president, you get to tell the president what to do." - Jay Leno "Not only is she young, they're saying she's the prettiest candidate for Vice President since John Edwards." - Jimmy Kimmel "I see they're selling Sarah Palin action figures. Sad incident at Toys R Us today -- a Sarah Palin doll shot My Little Pony." - Jimmy Kimmel "For some reason, the Secret Service revealed that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means Dan Quayle."- Jay Leno "Turns out Gov. Palin is a lifelong member of the NRA and a longtime hunter. Another vice president who's a hunter, what could go wrong there?" - Jay Leno "The Palin family crisis has been solved now. The baby is being adopted by Angelina Jolie." - David Letterman "Dick Cheney told reporters this week there's no reason why Sarah Palin cannot be a successful vice president in the McCain administration. In fact, not only can she shoot a lawyer in the face, she can field dress him." - Jay Leno "Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into Palin's background. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, 'Hey, if I didn't look into her background, there's no reason you should be looking into her background.'" - Jay Leno See also: Best John McCain Jokes Best Dumb Blonde Jokes Best Animal Jokes Articles about Sarah Palin: Sarah Palin TV Show Ideas Sarah Palin: Josephine Sixpack or Sarah Champagne? What's the Difference Between Sarah Palin and a Talking Barbie? Is Sarah Palin a CrackBerry Mom: Children of Sarah Palin May Be "BlackBerry Orphans" Who Built Sarah Palin's House? Sources: http://nymag.com/daily/intel/ http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/9/2/163529/2680/112/583640 http://www.alphapatriot.com/home/archives/2008/09/05/best_palin_joke_to_date.php http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080901162752AASwomF http://blogs.thetimes.co.za/somethingtodo/2008/09/15/the-jokes-on-sarah-palin/ http://www.scrippsnews.com/node/35973 http://blogs.chicagotribune.com/news_columnists_ezorn/2008/09/tv-jokesters-wa.html http://dekerivers.wordpress.com/2008/09/22/jay-leno-jokes-about-sarah-palin/ http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/sarahpalin/a/palin-jokes.htm http://www.mustsharejokes.com/page/Sarah+Palin+Jokes+by+David+Letterman http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/sarahpalin/a/palin-jokes.htm http://www.mahalo.com/answers/politics/sarah-palin-jokes http://www.politicsdaily.com/2009/06/25/john-kerry-bombs-with-sarah-palin-joke/ |
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